Yahoo! TV 2011 Soap awards

These are awards with a difference – these are categories you won't find anywhere else and winners you won't be expecting. Jon Horsley guides you through the winners and losers…

Worst sibling

Nominations: There was Michael Moon on ‘Enders’ whose overwrought plan to get David Essex ended up seeing his half-brother Tyler being nearly, erm, boxed to death. There was Dot’s sister Rose, who looks like a secret member of the Rolling Stones that Mick Jagger keeps in the attic - and acted like a groupie too, trying to seduce the vicar and generally shame Dot.

But the winner is... ‘Corrie’s Kylie, the lying, cheating, baby-selling half-sister of Becky. So thoroughly evil, she made David Platt look like the nice guy of their partnership - with sisters like her, who needs enemies?

Most bizarrely recession-proof business

Nominations: Every business in 'Emmerdale' is completely ludicrous. Carl’s haulage empire, run from a location that’s miles from motorways. Declan and John are forever clashing over some kind of supermarket corporate farming share, which could in real life make them literally tens of pounds. The Sharma's chocolate factory with its uncertain products and conveyor belts that just stop when the workers want. And also Jai Sharma’s property development plans, which involve doing up a barn in a village that’s forever getting hit by aeroplanes. 'Corrie's The Underworld churning out clothes that are all made 500% cheaper in China is silly, but at least that’s failing.

The winner however is the laughingly titled Kimberley's Palace B&B in 'EastEnders'. Who stays there? Who? People having a romantic break in a drab hellhole in London? Businessmen who can't afford the Premier Inn?

[Quiz: Can you guess these movies from the taglines?]

Most dishonest relationship

Nominations: On 'Emmerdale', John and Moira seem unable to tell the truth about any form of money, whether it's their kids’ pocket money or the cash to buy a car, whereas Charity and Jai couldn't even tell each other they didn't try to murder Cain. Zainab and Masood on 'Enders' - if one of them had told the truth once to the other for the first six months of the year, they’d still be together. “I want a divorce!” lies Masood. “Then I want a divorce too!” lies Zainab back. And so, they get divorced. Well done. 

The winners though are ‘Coronation Street’s Steve and Becky, who over the years have lied to each other about everything.  Recently, Steve could have ‘fessed up to going to Blackpool with his daughter – it’s a trip to Blackpool with your daughter, for heaven's sake. Becky lied about sleeping with someone else, her relationship with Kylie and probably about her real hair colour.

Most ludicrous trip to hospital

Nominations: Phil’s heart attack on 'EastEnders' itself wasn’t unlikely – but Ian turning away the paramedics so he could taunt him (as if he ever had the nerve) was. There was Ricky's recent trip to A&E for a panic attack – also in Walford. And 'Emmerdale' has a strong entrance from the whole insanity of Jimmy’s amnesia – was there one viewer who didn’t say “just hit him on the head again”?

The winner however is 'Corrie’s Amy heading to casualty after she necked a load of semi-skimmed milk. What?

Best slap

Nominations: We may have missed some – but from what we can remember:  'Enders' had Kat slapping Ronnie, Heather slapping Denise and Vanessa slapping Tanya. ‘Emmerdale’ had Scarlett slap Mia and Hazel slap Aaron. 'Corrie' had Tina slapping Graham.

But the Best Slap in soap 2011 is… the inch-thick layers worn by Kylie on 'Corrie'.

Most pathetic act of defiance

Nominations: A 'Corrie' clean-sweep, unless you count Ian Beale’s continued existence over in ‘Enders’, which we don’t. There was Tyrone attempting to help Fiz by kidnapping the drug dealer and then cowering in fear of the man tied up in front of him. Then there was every single thing Kevin Webster did regarding Sally.

The winner though is Lloyd bundling out and burning his sofa in the street after being dumped by Cheryl. That’ll show her Lloyd.

[See also: What's coming up in the soaps in 2012?]

Best disowning

Nominations: 'Emmerdale’s Zak Dingle disowned Cain after a punch in the face. But he didn’t really mean it and came crawling back into Cain’s web right away. Pathetic. Phil Mitchell came close to it with Ben but instead chose to ignore everything he said.

So the winner must be… ‘EastEnders’ Eddie Moon yelling “You. Are. Not. My. Son.” at the evil genius Michael.

Storyline we don't want to even talk about:

Nominations: Jackson on 'Emmerdale', Schmeichel dying on 'Corrie'

The winner: 'EastEnders's baby swap.

Least cunning evil plan

Nominations: The aforementioned Michael Moon's plan to get his dad back by having Tyler fight someone bigger than him was completely stupid. There was Yusef's ridiculous DNA swap scheme to make Zainab think her grandchild wasn't hers, as if that would make her love him. There was John Stape's idea to kidnap Rosie again and get her to tell the court what really happened and get Fiz off the hook. Rosie wouldn't remember what he said, wouldn't want to say it and the court wouldn't believe her. Apart from that, it was perfect.

But the winner is… Ken Barlow's grandson James on 'Corrie' who, um, set up an entire homeless soup kitchen in order to scam money from Sophie and Sian. Surely it'd have been easier just to be charitable and pay yourself a wage, James?