Dear Aunty Soap - Steve's dilemma

We get our agony aunt to help out the residents of soapland...

Dear Aunty Soap,
I really need your help: I’m torn between my girlfriend Becky and my mum Liz. In case you’re not familiar with the details, let me fill you in. My mum wants me to leave my wife. But my wife has thrown my mum out of her house and now wants me to ditch my life, move away and leave my family behind.

I feel loyalty to my mum – but Becky is the love of my life. Apart from Fiona, Vicky, Karen, Ronnie and Michelle, she’s the only girl I’ve ever fallen for.

My mum has always hated my wife – and I’m not sure why. I mean, fair enough, Becky did turn up too drunk at our first wedding to say her vows. And she did steal from the corner shop after the tram crash. And she did recently get really hammered and very publically threw my mum out of the pub that my mum always wanted to run. But other than that - and several other rows - there’s no real reason for that loathing.

Now mum is convinced she’s ruining my life – just as Becky has decided that we should snatch my daughter from another ex Tracy (who is a murderer, by the way) leave our street and start a new life elsewhere.

So, Aunty Soap, do you think I should do as my mum pleases and ditch my wife? I’m not sure she’s making me happy and she seems to be pushing my family away. Or should I stick by my wife and tell my mum where to go?

Steve, Weatherfield

Dear Steve
Yours is a very difficult – and surprisingly common - problem.

First let’s look at your mum. As well as being a hard-working mum to you, Liz has been a boon for the economy. She’s been brilliant for the fashion industry raising the profile – and hemline – of the mini skirt. But sometimes, she can be a little bit flighty. She has lied to you, cheated on your dad and gone out with your best mate.

Now, with the arrival of your father back in town, you are bound to feel put out. There has, I have always thought, been a communication issue between the two of you. (Perhaps it is because of his accent? Have you ever thought of having him subtitled? It might not cure everything, but it couldn’t hurt to try.)

As for their latest conniving efforts to buy the pub from you. Don’t worry. After all, think about their past efforts at running businesses. But when it comes down to it, despite that, Steve, it is hard to argue that your parents have had a positive effect on your life.

But then there’s your wife. She’s a beautiful, strong woman. You may be thinking that your record with these amazing looking women is surprising, given that you look like the second least attractive member of an early 90s indie group. But I say, have more faith in your personality. You’re a catch. Now, Becky is a strong woman. The problem is she’s perhaps too strong. She’s strong to the point of being psychotic.

Her idea of making a new start miles from anywhere might sound appealing, but when you get there, what makes you think another half-sister won’t appear with an ultimatum? Or that she won’t start drinking again? Can you honestly say that the cobbled street of your relationship will be evened out by moving away?

By the way,  in her time as soap’s favourite agony aunt, Aunty Soap has heard a lot of silly plans before (Remember Paul Robinson’s Udogawa deal? Tchah!) but snatching Amy from Tracy Barlow is probably one of the worst ever. Snatching your daughter from a killer? Madness. Steve, shelve the plan and move on to something less dangerous, like wrestling crocodiles.

So, to sum up:  Your mum is not to be trusted and your wife is dangerous.  Without being mean, Aunty Soap believes you should consider ditching your family and your women. Perhaps you should think of moving on, alone. It strikes me that you don’t actually enjoy chaos as much as the women you get involved with. Actually, I think you crave a pipe and slippers.

How about: Don’t snatch your daughter, arrange custody or visiting times with her properly. Move to the suburbs, find a new pub to manage or set up a mini-cab firm. You don’t need to have a disastrous relationship.  You don’t need to get involved in your parents’ schemes. Just relax and look after your kids.

By the way – one thing:  on no account go back to your murderess ex.