Frank Carson’s best one-liners

Irish-born comedian Frank Carson has died aged 85 after a battle with cancer.

The star rose to fame after winning ‘Opportunity Knocks’ three times in the 1960s and he went on to make numerous appearances on TV including a regular spot on ‘The Comedians’.

[Related story: Frank Carson dies aged 85]
[Related story: Tributes paid to comic hero Carson]

In celebration of his career, here are some of Frank Carson’s greatest one-liners...

-    My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

-    There’s a professor who’s crossed a chicken with a spider, he’s now got chickens with 8 legs! I said, ‘What does it taste like?” He said, ‘I don’t know, I haven’t caught any yet.’

-    My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' lines of communication. He ate their pigeon.

-    I don't think my wife likes me very much. When I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

-    Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are at a Christmas party and each had to bring something to do with Christmas. Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, Scotsman brought a bag of holly and the Irishman brought a pair of knickers. I asked, ‘What’s that got to do with Christmas?’ He said, ‘They’re Carol’s.’

-    A fella walks into a pet shop and says: “Give me a wasp.” The shopkeeper replies: “We don’t sell wasps.” He says: “There’s one in the window.”

-    Paddy calls a wrong number at 3am. "Is that O'Malley's Bar?," he asks. "No it's not, this is a private residence." "Oh, I must have the wrong number. Sorry to have troubled you," says Paddy. "Ah it's no trouble," says the stranger. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

-    A man goes into Boots and says: “Have you got Viagra?” “Do you have a prescription?,” asks the chemist. “No,” he replies, “But I’ve got a photograph of the wife...”

-    An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband demanded to know who the other man was.

-    A fella walked into hospital and the doctor said: “You’ve got three minutes to live.” The man said: “Can you do something for me?” “Yes,” he said. “I’ll boil you an egg.”

-    I rang British Telecom. I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said: "Not you again.”

-    A fella said to the doctor: “What’s the good news?” “You’ve got 24 hours to live.” He says: “What’s the bad news?” And the doc says: “We should have told you yesterday.”